(D)evolving faith.

I have had a very significant transition in how I view Christianity recently. For me it just seems to get simpler and yet more orthodox the more I go along.

There is that feeling you get when just stopping from exercising or working hard all day, like when I used to bike all the time. Where your diaphragm is tired from breathing heavy all day, all your muscles are sore from the constant exertion of being pushed, ready to finally rest. Then there is that 'winded' feeling and light airy fatigue that lasts well into the evening. That's how my soul feels, right now.

I remember trying to put together a bible study about prayer and getting myself so bogged down in the mumbo jumbo I had been taught in the word faith/apostolic/prophetic stuff that I couldn't do it. I don't remember if that was a significant turning point for me at the time but in retrospect it is a good example of how messed up I was.

When I was a child we attended a Calvinist church, which was very legalistic and restrictive. Eventually later we went to a baptist church which by comparison was much freer. I remember going to several different revival conferences and such and being moved emotionally so much, I was always going down to the front to be saved, re-saved, or renew my commitment or whatever the pastor or speaker called it that day.

Later in my teen years it really got me down that it seemed like it never took. I always fell apart. I was supposed to be all happy and good, wasn't I? Dealing with depression and anxiety was a far cry from the victorious christian life. Going to the Baptist Church we were always striving to be better Christians, to not sin so much. But that didn't work and I got really down.

Once I was able to get my parents off my back about making me go to church I finally stopped going. I think that was around the height of the worst part of my depression experience. My parents didn't understand what was going on at the time either. They were just extremely frustrated that they couldn't control me anymore.

So I abandoned Christianity, for a year or so anyway. I still believed in God and Jesus, I just didn't want to be associated with Christianity anymore. It wasn't until I got involved in a nasty relationship and later joined a men's bible study that got me considering things again. Eventually I got around to going to bible college. Because, surely, I would find my answers there...

Bible college was an interesting experience for me. It was just good to be responsible for myself for a change. To be out of my parents house. I can't say I had any real epiphanies there, except maybe that the bible college I went to was too caught up in it's formalities to recognize someone that needed help. Though, now I think their doctrinal position would be what made that impossible.

The only redeeming thing about that whole experience is that that is where I met my wife.

So after bible college and marriage we were both frustrated with Baptists, so we ended up going to a charismatic, apostolic/prophetic church. Falling in the spirit speaking in tongues and all that. We were first a little freaked out but we kept going and we decided that if that was God we wanted it. So we, at least I, threw myself at the experience.

Then one night surfing across the Internet I came across kundilini yoga and saw how similar it was. I was a little concerned about it but I came to the conclusion that evil spirits can only counterfeit real experiences. That was the simple theological grid I came up with dealing with it at the time. Though I did start praying different. When I was 'getting prayed for' I would basically be 'asking God in my heart', that if the experience was from Him I wanted the experience, but if it was not from him I didn't want it. That was around the time I stopped experiencing much of the 'manifestations'.

Shortly after that we went to Australia on a sort of unofficial discipleship training course. Much of the teaching was very good. I learned a lot of how the post modern spirituality worked and its history. The theology of the course was all was alright but emergent leaning. The experience itself was very profound for both my wife and I. We experienced a small taste of what community could be. It was enticing. 6 months of that and the Australian surf made it hard to return to Canada but we had a 3 month old child and limited resources.

The limited employment situation in Ontario sent us off to Alberta where we couldn't get ourselves into a church that we could connect with. I know we could have tried harder but we decided that church wasn't for us. I started playing with all kinds of ideas about what church was supposed to be. I went through all kinds of ideas. There was so many things that church could be depending on how you spun it. The book Pagan Christianity was influential for me. We were flirting with ideas surrounding the emergent movement and such. Though we didn't buy into much of it. We could do church on our own with a small group of people I thought. We even got involved in some deliverance ministry stuff. All romantic ideas but...

All the while since Bible College I had been listening to all sorts of podcasts. I am generally always listening to something. With my current job driving, I tend to need something to listen to that is engaging to help me maintain my concentration on the road. That is always how my brain has always worked. The podcasts were all generally Christian based, from bible commentary, sermons, and apologetics to news and 'conspiracy' commentary and more recently economic and political podcasts as well. All stuff I was honestly interested in. One podcast came on my horizon from a guy I met through Facebook. This one was a bit different than the rest as I would figure out.

All through my Christian experience I was always told the gift of salvation was free! I could go to heaven when I died, or more accurately I would be part of the resurrection. Only after you received salvation you had all sorts of requirements in order to maintain salvation, or something... It has always been the classic bait and switch. Always bait and switch everywhere I turned.

From my experience:
The Calvinist church I went to wanted you to tithe, work hard, and follow the rules.
The Baptist church wanted you to tithe, not just be a Sunday Christian, and not sin so much.
The Charismatics, needed you to tithe because it brought a tenfold blessing, muster up as much spiritualliness as you could, bare down real hard and fight in the spirit realm by making 'declarations' and dressing down spiritual forces... or have enough faith to believe in miracles because that was what 'real' Christians did. Then go to every conference possible and get as much spiritually whirliness from everyone you could so you could have dreams and visions and eventually be lost on some spiritual plain of existence with Jesus or something. It's what had to be done.

Then the house church movement would have you think that you could abandon doctrinal instruction and relational structures that have been part of Christianity from the beginning and still be somehow walking in truth, not getting hung up in all kinds of errors. Sure the institutional church has lots and lots and lots and lots of problems, but abandoning the basic things altogether because of how the early church did something for purely pragmatic reasons.

So this new podcast I mentioned is actually hosted by a Lutheran. I have never been taught about Lutheranism before. One of my commentaries would mention how Lutherans have got soteriology down.

It has taken a little while but I think the 'penny has dropped' for me. The host of the podcast described semipelagianism and argued against it and how it is the basis for all these problems I have outlined with every denomination I have here. It has been very convincing. All these institutions all by their actions condone a "Jesus + Something" theology. They would never ever say that but it is inherent in their preaching and activity. Sure if you just read their statement of faith on their website or whatever they say it right, but if you sat through their 'services' week in and week out you get a far different message eventually. They are obviously preaching from a different handbook than what they say they are. This is something this podcast host refereed to as three dimensional theology. It makes sense to me logically and biblically speaking.

Where do I stand now. Well I don't consider myself a Lutheran or anything yet. I have a few issues that need to be resolved, 'the taking of the sacraments' every Sunday, infant baptism. I am sure I could come up with some other stuff. But I really do resonate very strongly with the Soteriology of Lutheranism. I believe it is biblical. I have seen hints of it here and there through my life of searching through Christianity but nothing this concise.

So what am I saying. Well I believe I am ready to shrug off all this baggage that I have been carrying for so long. To allow my faith to be extremely simple and unencumbered by all the garbage semipelagianism brings. To realize that reading the bible is far simpler than I have been taught. That the second reading is the important reading. Repentance, or thinking again so to speak. Look at it all through Christ and Him crucified.

I no longer want to be affiliated with any sort of evangelical, baptist, or charismatic church. They seemed to be based in much error. They don't make sense to me anymore, all I have ever experienced is grief and torture at the hands of these. In their theology I could only ever be as Sisyphus was, when it came to my salvation. I finally feel as though I can be free for once. The rat wheel is broken.

I am finally finished riding so hard on my bike. I feel like my labour is finally over. I feel a great relief. The gospel gives me more peace now than ever. The wind is cool on my face and my sweat is just about dry. From here on I know God is making a way for me. This definitely feels like I have come around the other side of the blind corner. I am still full of questions, I think that will always be the case but at least I finally have confidence in my salvation.

The confidence in salvation is something I want to talk about but that is a whole other story for another day.

So for now I am abandoning more recent ideas of what Christianity is, Baptist, Evangelical, Charismatic/apostolic/prophetic, post modern, home church... In favour of something closer to where I started. Something that doesn't rely so heavily on modern or postmodern interpretation of the scriptures. Those ideas and philosophies are fun to play with but they don't hold a candle to the gospel, to Christ and Him Crucified for my sins, because I am absolutely incapable of any righteousness on my own, dead in sins without the gospel. Thank you Jesus.